Being Mum

Six months ago, when my husband was telling me the benefits our new future would bring us... I never thought I’d be approaching 40 on my own with 2 children.

Fast forward to now; I’m a proud single Mum.  Not because I feel empowered, but because everyone tells me how incredibly well I’m doing.... so it must be true, right?  I’m not going to lie, the immediate aftermath of my husband telling me he was leaving, made me feel like I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.  What was wrong with me?  Why was I so undesirable?  I’m not perfect, granted, and I have my bad points; but I loved him, and I loved him hard.  I have no regrets about that.  

Before parenting alone, I had support from him. If I had a busy day I could call on him to help out. It was easier.  Now, if I’m tired, I don’t have anybody there to pick me up. I have to stay strong, and when being strong is your only option, it’s amazing what you can accomplish.  Even if you don’t think it.

What’s even better is knowing that hopefully, one day, your children will remember watching you get up everyday, paint your smile on, and be their shoulder; be their guaranteed “All is fine.”  One day they’re going to look back on these days and realise what a strong woman I was.... I hope they do.  If they can see me struggle with a smile on my face, the hard times they face are going to seem a lot more manageable. By attempting to be a strong role model, I’m making my kids strong, and I’m proud of that.  

I’m proud that I’ve managed to parent on my own, despite crying in the bath most nights because I feel like my heart is breaking inside me. My children don’t see that side of me; only my parents and a few close friends unlucky enough to pick up the phone to me do (sorry, you know who you are).  I’m grateful for them seeing my strength when I felt I didn’t have any left. 

Now I’m alone, I have to fight a lot harder for everything I need, and everything I have.  It’s extremely hard to overcome being told you have come from nothing and feeling like you don’t deserve your place on the social hierarchy.  One thing is for sure; I’m no high society belle of the ball... but I have a good heart.  I care and I love.  I have the best Oscar winning performance for “putting on a brave face.”  Ask the people I see everyday.... never have I been more grateful for a staff room chat, a giggle about how much glitter I’ve chucked around, or winding my kids up at night by chasing them around with a water pistol before bed... every moment of distraction is a win.

My saving grace came a while before my life fell apart; my job.  This has given me a creative opportunity to express myself as the real me... I can walk in the door every morning and know that I’m entering a warm, loving, accepting and non-judgmental “hug”.... how lucky am I not to dread going to work when I dread everything else at the moment?

Hard work is incredibly rewarding, and it weirdly takes for me to be thrown into utter hardship and heartbreak to realise how resilient I am.  I have drive and determination that I never thought I’d have.  Being the “underdog” of my break up has shown me that I’m actually a real badass.  I never want to feel less than what I am again, and I never want to feel like I owe anything to anyone.  I am not a perfect person, and I am well aware of my faults, but I know myself better than anyone, and my prerogative going forward is to be everything I want to be, and everything others said I would never be.  

This journey has made me realise how strong I am.... sure, I still cry most days, but that makes me realise how grateful I am to have had something that meant so much to me.... even if I don’t have it anymore.  I don’t regret that.  I’ve had such highs and such love.

Juggling everything on my own isn’t easy; it’s bloody hard.  Making sure my house is still clean to my ridiculous standards (that’s never going to change!), driving my kids here, there and everywhere, lunches, dinners, uniform... late night vet trips costing hundreds of pounds (sorry Davy, but grateful for the lift!)... it’s relentless.  I’m pushing myself more than I ever thought possible, and I’m going to keep doing it.

The fact my children are thriving makes me know I’m doing a good job; I never wanted to do this alone, but I’m doing alright.  My son is doing well, and my daughter is a joy.  At the end of the day, they are both individuals, and they are incredible people (also pains!!), which makes me so proud.

The next few months / years are going to be different to what any of us thought.  However, I am so proud that I got to experience such an amazing love in my life.  The heartache and aftermath is horrific, I’m not going to lie..... but I am rich; not in money, but in friendship, work, motherhood, family and hope.

My life didn’t turn out like I had hoped, but man, I’m so lucky and I will always keep going 💗 I have so many things to look back on and be proud of, and so much more to come.

I’m the poster girl of “Marmite”.... love me or hate me, I’m just me... Trying my best to navigate through life.  I’m a weirdo.... I wear way too much make up, and I say the most inappropriate things.... but I do care what people think; and I just want to be the best Mum I can be.

💗