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Wired Differently; Loving The Same

  I was diagnosed with ADHD and autism at 41. Typing that still feels strange. On one hand, it explains so much of my life that never made sense. On the other, it breaks my heart a little, because I can’t stop replaying my years as a mum with this new knowledge that I wasn’t “mental” as I had convinced myself I was after being told that for years. The assessment itself was intense; hours of questions that forced me to pick apart who I am. The psychologist noticed things I’d never paid much attention to; how I fiddled with my hair and touched my face when I was anxious, how my words tumbled out too fast, how I apologised constantly, and how harsh I was on myself. She saw me more clearly than I had ever seen myself. Afterwards, I felt both relief and grief - relief that there was finally a name for the way my brain works. But grief for all the years I didn’t know, especially the years raising Fin and Imi.  That’s the hardest part. I feel so much guilt when I think about my paren...
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Have I told you I’m Autistic? Finding Myself at 41

At 41 I have finally learnt I’m autistic and have ADHD. Getting that diagnosis felt like someone handed me the key to a house I’d lived in my whole life but always as a guest, never as the owner. It was a mix of relief and grief; relief that there was finally an explanation for why I feel the world so intensely, and grief for all the years younger me was treated as “too much” or “too difficult” when really I just couldn’t process things the way others could. The funniest part? My friends had been calling it for years. “You’re so autistic.” “You’re definitely ADHD.” I’d laugh it off, roll my eyes, and insist it was just “lolsies.” Turns out… they were right. Annoyingly right. They are always  right about me, which is both comforting and irritating in equal measure. Younger Me: Weird, Eccentric, Chaotic… and Wonderful (As It Turns Out) I was the child who was always a bit much .  Weird, eccentric, chaotic and messy. I had strange OCD patterns, especially with flicking light swit...
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When Asking For Help Was The Glimmer You Needed

  For as long as I can remember, I wore my stubbornness like a badge of honour. I told myself it was resilience, strength, self-reliance. I didn’t want to be a burden, and I certainly didn’t want anyone to see me struggling. To ask for help? That felt like admitting defeat, like exposing a weakness I couldn’t let anyone see.   So, I didn’t ask; I carried the weight of my worries and challenges quietly, telling myself I could handle it - should handle it - on my own. I told myself that needing help was a weakness. That if I was strong enough, I wouldn’t have to ask. That had been instilled in me. But life has a way of challenging the stories we tell ourselves and rolling them on their head… When I lost my dog, Duke, it was like a piece of my heart had been torn away. He wasn’t just a dog; he was my companion, my comfort, my little slice of joy in the world - you’ve heard me bang on about him, but it’s true. On top of the heartbreak of losing him, I was left with his vet fees - ...
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My Lesbian Best Friend Saved Me (No, We’re Not Dating; Yes, She’s My Soulmate)

Before I met her in 2012, I was spiralling. I was in a mental marriage with a person who convinced me that I was less than I was. Fast forward 13 years and I’m still crying in the shower while dramatically playing Lana Del Rey kind of spiralling; like “maybe I should text my ex just to stir the pot” levels of unwell. She always shows up, my lesbian best friend. The unexpected guardian angel in Vans and perfect box-red hair. No cape. No rom-com entrance. Just vibes, blunt honesty, and “stop being a princess” vibes too, and let me tell you,  she has saved my life. Not in a “pulled me from a burning building” way. More like she pulled me out of a toxic codependent relationship, a breakdown in aisle 6 of B&M, and several nights of crying over people who couldn’t even spell “emotional availability.” She even supported a time I flew to Jersey for a date with a man with 4 fingers missing - to be fair that was funny, apart from the bit when there was a suspected terror threat and I was...
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