Being Mum

Before I met her in 2012, I was spiralling. I was in a mental marriage with a person who convinced me that I was less than I was. Fast forward 13 years and I’m still crying in the shower while dramatically playing Lana Del Rey kind of spiralling; like “maybe I should text my ex just to stir the pot” levels of unwell. She always shows up, my lesbian best friend. The unexpected guardian angel in Vans and perfect box-red hair. No cape. No rom-com entrance. Just vibes, blunt honesty, and “stop being a princess” vibes too, and let me tell you,  she has saved my life. Not in a “pulled me from a burning building” way. More like she pulled me out of a toxic codependent relationship, a breakdown in aisle 6 of B&M, and several nights of crying over people who couldn’t even spell “emotional availability.” She even supported a time I flew to Jersey for a date with a man with 4 fingers missing - to be fair that was funny, apart from the bit when there was a suspected terror threat and I was...

The day my teenage daughter moved in with her dad, I didn’t expect it to feel like a goodbye. I told myself it was just a change in address. That she'd still need me, call me, text me when something funny happened or when life felt too big. I thought our bond—  our history  —would hold, no matter where she lived. Best friends forever. But instead of late-night phone calls or weekend visits, there was silence. No calls. No texts. Not even a reply when I reached out. She was gone—not just physically, but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. And I’ve been grieving her ever since. A Heart Divided Divorce changes everything, even when you try your hardest to shield your children from its mess. You tell yourself you're doing what's best. You try to co-parent. You compromise. You give space. And still, sometimes, you lose them. When she chose to live with her dad, I fought it at first, and then I didn’t fight it. I wanted to respect her voice; her growing independence. But I ne...

  Surviving Divorce   Covid has been a right nob. In the middle of the pandemic my world fell apart.    My marriage was over.    Life as I knew it for 1/3 of my life would be no more.    How would I cope without the man of my dreams and the god he was?    How would I survive on my own… the tragedy. Looking back, the pandemic just sped up the inevitable.    I thought I would never get over it.    There was no life outside the one I’d known.    Genuinely; the grief I felt for the next few months was worse than the death of my brother.    Many may think that’s insanity; many have not been in that position.    I am being completely honest… death was nothing on divorce.    Unless you’ve been there you simply cannot comprehend how cray-cray it makes you.    End of. I cried down the phone to my friends, my GP; I broke down at work.    My GP told me that I was grievi...